in my solitude

I don't need to glance at the calendar, the crisp coolness of the evening air tells me that autumn has arrived. There won't be much turning of leaves here, and the lawns will stay lush and green throughout the winter, so aside from the temperature, there won't be much obvious demarcation of seasons.

I've been busy since the breakup with the "straight boyfriend". A new job, a move, losing my Mom, switching showrooms, a couple of hundred posts. A lot has happened. That plus the lack of obvious seasonal variation just kind of lets everything run together on a continuous path. Only when I stop and look at my planner do I see that December, 2006 was a long time ago.

In most ways, I have moved on. I don't miss him like I did. I'm at peace being past it all and would not want it back. I don't see him unless he drops in unexpectedly, but with my job change and his, that is thankfully infrequent. I rarely take his calls, and reply to messages left with a text response. My friends say I'm looking great, just over 25 pounds off with more to come. I'll never be a rail again but am told I make a good cub. In many ways, things are much calmer now.

Except that I'm not able to date. Not since then. I spent time with friends, I hang out with my ex, Michael, with whom I still have a bond that has turned into an enduring friendship. But not a date. Not a coffee, not a movie, nothing. It's like that part of me is just missing now. I've pretty much forgotten what it is like to be held at night by anything other than a cat.

And that, children, is a problem. I'm only a thousand and seven (although I easily pass for a thousand and two) and I really don't want to end up this way. I think I have something to offer, but the notion of going to a bar is sheer torture and shall we say my experience on the net has not been compelling.

I've considered moving back to the Midwest because the guys there seem so much more down to earth, but every morning when I step out my door, I am just so amazed by the weather that the prospect of leaving it seems unbearable. Have I chosen weather over partnership?

Knowing what is missing, but no idea how to find it, I'm turning now to a little audio consolation. Here's a 1952 recording of the unforgettable Billie Holiday. It's mostly appropriate, except that I don't want him. But I do want someone. Perhaps someone you know?

Take a listen: